See that little guy in the right hand corner right there? That is a black cloud and, for whatever reason, he seems to be like a permanent fixture hanging above my head lately. The past few months of my life seem to be some of the roughest I have ever encountered.  As comfortable as I have been my entire life with having a disability, I have come to realize that dealing with this disability and the limitations that come with it might not get easier as I get older.

Not being able to get a good job, not being able to drive, having to miss practice, not having success at judo/jiu-jitsu. These things have all sort of congealed together to form the black cloud.

First, let me say right up front, my family and my friends are the best. They are always there when I need them but they have their own lives too and they can’t run me from place to place. Plus, I’m 26 years old, I hate always feeling like I’m someone’s responsibility. I’ve tried the county transport thing and that was alright but they are so inconsistent with times either their  really early or really late and they don’t even run after 4:00 so, forget using them to get to practice. That is, if it’s worth going to practice.

A couple of weeks ago, I was coming home from a clinic with Tom and I started telling him about all the frustrations I’ve  had with judo lately (not seeing improvement, after all the losses not really wanting to compete anymore because I don’t want to have the bad feelings I’ve been feeling) and Tommy said “you have to decide what you want out of judo” and even before the words fully left his mouth in my head I said “to be a champion” and then as the conversation continued he said “you can definitely train judo without competing”  and my response was  “I’m not sure that I can”

I understand that there are many reasons people train judo and competing doesn’t have to be one of them but for me, competing was a huge reason I got into judo,  they wouldn’t let me compete when I wrestled and I need to find an outlet. I can’t get into judo for all the “metaphysical, spiritual enlightenment” reasons that others do. I view judo as a sport and if I don’t compete there’s really no end goal for me.

Judo is my life. It’s really the only thing that I do, and it’s one of the things I love the most in life and for me to have to admit that I may have to switch my focus, hurts. The ugly is truth that I have a competitor’s mindset in a “rec player’s” body and that’s a real tough pill to swallow

And to top it off, without going into too much detail, this past weekend after feeling so shitty, I just wanted to relax and have a good time and something happened to cause me to feel even worse about myself and I’ll just leave it at that.

So, as you can see, things haven’t exactly been sunshine and lollipops around here lately  but they might start getting better. Tomorrow I have an appointment for my 3^rd try at a driving evaluation and hopefully that test goes well and then I can start my road evaluations again.

I just need to put all my faith in God and hope that he can help clear those black clouds out of my skies.

There’s an old saying that says “Tough times don’t last, tough people do” I sure hope their right.

Thanks Guys,

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